The fear to fail

Does this sound familiar….

As each month passes I feel overwhelmed, a fear has taken over me.  Maybe I’m not fertile enough, maybe we can’t have children.  It’s become an obsession, I’m crying all the time, I haven’t felt this anxious or depressed in my life before.  I feel like I’m spiralling down hill.  It’s creating a lot of stress and I don’t know how to cope.  I’m thinking about it every day and it’s negatively impacting my relationship.  I’ve always been career driven and I like being in control but this is out of my control.  I just don’t know what to do and I feel sad all the time.

This is just one example of what I hear from women who are trying to conceive all the time.  Upon reflection, I wonder if part of the deeply transformational process, of becoming a mother taps into a fundamental fear that we all share.  That is, the fear of failure.

Why do we fear failure so much?

Is it even real anyway or is it just our thinking?


When women get into this negative state of mind, it seems to just get deeper, bigger and darker.  Women then start to cut themselves off from their friends and family and the depression grows larger by the day.  I wonder if the fear of failure then morphs into feelings of shame.  Shame that their body is letting them down and failing them.  There’s that word failure again.


Preparation is key

What if you could think about it differently.  That may not be easy at first but hear me out.  If you were to reframe it and think about it differently, could you instead think, my body is getting ready and that’s why it hasn’t happened for us yet.  I’m not gonna obsess over whether I’m pregnant this month.  I won’t think if I get pregnant this month my baby will come in time for the summer.   I’m gonna just see the months ahead as prep time and give myself the year ahead.  Remember, it can take up to 2 years for a perfectly healthy couple with no diagnosable issue to fall pregnant, and often does.  The problem is that nobody tells you that because they are all keeping that info to themselves.

As soon as you take the time pressure away you will feel lighter and differently about it.

East Vs West

I often tell my clients if you were born in the east, say Japan for example, and you wanted a baby, you wouldn’t just start trying like you do here in the west.  You would think, right, what do I need to do to prepare my body for getting pregnant.  Then you would put a plan together to get your body ready.  You’d start doing Thai Chi every day.  Eating better, taking herbs to balance your hormones and start drinking less alcohol.  As well as getting more sleep and relaxing more etc…..

If you can adopt a similar philosophy and truly have faith in your body, because it knows exactly what to do, mother nature makes it so.

There is also research to suggest that the quality of the egg and sperm today is the reflection of everything that was happening in your life and immediate environment over the previous 4 months.  That means that if you make significant improvements to your lifestyle including nutrition, addressing stress levels, blood oxygenation, hormone levels, emotions and other factors.  It will positively affect the quality of your fertility in the current month and months to come.

So when your attention gets pulled to focus on what you haven’t got, switch it around and start focusing on getting your body healthier and more balanced.  Enjoy the process of nurturing you.   Then not only will it take the pressure off you, but it will facilitate a healthier pregnancy and birth.


If you would like help to get your body ready for fertility contact me here to arrange a free 30-minute call to discuss your unique fertility situation.